When real news is sparse -- say, the week of opening day, when there's no further news about roster construction, yet no valid signs yet of who's performing above or below expectations -- beat writers often fall back on a favorite genre piece: "Player X Disappoints Me and Hey Look How Much He's Getting Paid Whaaa?!" I figure I'll save us some reading time, and save beat writers their modest effort of writing "new" columns, by pre-writing all future pieces in this genre, just by pasting together text from past pieces in this genre. Following is a 500-word article I "wrote" just by cobbling together quotes from ten different articles about various Yankee free agent signings who made a beat writer really sad. That is, each below paragraph is an exact quote from the hyperlinked article. Each quote expresses disbelief, anger, and other stages of grief about one of the last half-dozen major free agent Yankee signings, all of whom at some point struck a beat writer as either disappointing from the start (McCann, Beltran, Ellsbury) or disappointing at the end of a long-term deal after providing several years of strong performance (A-Rod, Sabathia, Teixeira). To maximize the utility of this exercise to under-newsed beat writers, I'll call the disappointing player "A-McSabTeixBeltBury." That way, the next time a beat writer wants to publish the same 500-word piece saying the same f#@$ing thing about another player, he can have his kid explain how the technological wonder known as "find and replace" lets him insert the name of whatever player he want to crap on next for not being Mike Trout. You're welcome, professional journalists! A-McSabTeixBeltBury has been one of the biggest free-agent busts in the majors.
“It would be a huge boost to our lineup,” manager Joe Girardi said. “He can do a bunch of different things offensively. Do some different things in the lineup with him …. We really missed him. We missed his production last year. It’s important to get it back.”
“I’m a gamer,” A-McSabTeixBeltBury declared Thursday …. Nevertheless, it’s important to note he already was off to a shaky start … when he got hurt. At his advanced baseball age, he might not be capable of another self-rescue mission.
“Two to three weeks from now, I’ll have a better feel,” said A-McSabTeixBeltBury, who added, “Everything feels a little off right now. Everything feels a little strange right now.” … “It’s just a matter of getting your timing,” Girardi said.
It has been quite a while since A-McSabTeixBeltBury looked like he was having fun…. What little the Yankees have accomplished the prior two seasons, they did with virtually no help from A-McSabTeixBeltBury.