Aaron and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year

Aaron and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year

By Paul Semendinger

January 2, 2024

***

Yesterday I penned a piece where I imagined a wonderful and very special 2024 for the Yankees.

Today, I'll present a different imaginary scenario, one that might bring a laugh or two, but is one that I hope does not come true.

***

Hal Steinbrenner looks at the Yankees roster on January 3 and says, "No team should ever have a $300 million payroll." He decides to take a vaction to Italy.

Brian Cashman calls Mr. Steinbrenner and states that Cody Bellinger is considering the Yankees, but another team, he thinks it's the Cubs, are offering six years at $25 million per year - a total package of $150 million. Scott Boras, Bellinger's agent is giving the Yankees a chance to match or beat that offer. Steinbrenner and Cashman discuss this, they'd both love for Bellinger to patrol centerfield. They call Boras and offer a deal of $26 million for five year (more annually than the other team offered) with a chance to opt out after the fourth year. In total, the Yankees deal is valued at $130, but they reason if Bellinger does opt out, he can make even more money.

Bellinger signs with the other team. It's the Blue Jays. He says, "I've always wanted to play in Toronto." Cashman says, "We made a fair offer, but in retrospect, I was getting uncomfortable because we didn't think we should pay any new player more annually than D.J. LeMahieu."

The White Sox offer Dylan Cease and Luis Robert, Jr. to the Yankees for Trey Sweeney, Billy McKinney, and Estevan Florial. Brian Cashman tries to undo some other moves from the winter to no avail. Cease and Robert go to the Orioles.

The Marlins offer the Yankees Jesus Luzardo for Jeter Downs. Cashman replies, "The Yankees will not trade Jeter. That ask is completely unreasonable."

In the end, the Yankees do not sign any pitchers. A statement from the team reads, "We believe that with the abilities of our training and medical staffs, along with our coaching, our pitching will be fine. We expect all of our players who had disappointing years in 2023 to bounce back fully this year."

Aaron Boone's Spring Training is a wonderful time for the players, the coaches, and the staff. "We are going to focus, a lot, on relaxation techniques," Boone tells reporters.

Boone does have the team work on bunting. Each day, each player bunts against a pitching machine for 45 minutes. One coach measures exit velocity. The player with the lowest exit velocity on the bunt gets first dibs on the post-workout food in the locker room.

Other than bunting, the Yankees don't focus too much on game situations, skill building, base running, or anything like that. "They know what to do," the manager says.

Through mid-March, the Yankees lose eighty percent of their spring games. Aaron Boone says, "We don't want to waste our wins in Florida."

The first scandal hits. No one takes responsibility, but it's found that one Yankee is doctoring his bats. Rather than putting cork in the bat, the player put in foam from the hotel pillows. It is said that that player may have won the softest bunt contest numerous times. No one takes responsibility and the situation is quickly forgotten.

Aaron Judge and Juan Soto then go back to back, both with damaged thumbs, as a result of bunting practice. It is said they'll return to action within a few days. A statement from the team reads, "The dual thumb injuries are nothing serious." Judge and Soto actually won't return until August.

Anthony Rizzo never finds his form. Anthony Volpe swings for the fences. Both bat under .150 through the season's first few months.

News breaks that Aaron Boone has a deals to promote Bubble Yum, Bazooka, and Trident sugarless gum.

DJ LeMahieu, batting .237 with 4 home runs and six runs batted in, states, "I'm not a third baseman, I never was a third baseman, I'm in my mid-thirties and they want me to be an everyday third baseman."

Giancarlo Stanton sets a record by walking six times in a game. Each time after he hit the ball, and it was six times, he walked to first base. In his last at bat, Stanton crushes a ball off the right field wall at Yankee Stadium. He's thrown out on a close play at first base. Aaron Boone yells at the umpire and is thrown out of the game. Boone then, to delight of the crowd, does impersonations of each of the umpires before leaving the field.

Alex Verdugo shows up late to a game, but plays anyway because the Yankees needed a pitcher in game they were winning 1-0 and no other person was available. Verdugo throws five innings, scattering 13 hits, walking four, and allowing just eleven runs.

Meanwhile Isiah KIner-Falefa ties Johnny Vander Meer with his second consecutive no-hitter for the Blue Jays.

Nestor Cortes and Carlos Rodon have seasons similar to 2023. Cortes wins his first game in June. Rodon wins a game a week after.

Gerrit Cole loses 13 different games each by the score of 1-0.

Aaron Boone tells reporters, "We have the fewest blown saves from any bullpen in the league," He neglects to add that the bullpen also doesn't have any saves.

The Yankees, mired in last place stand firm at the trade deadline. It turns out later that the Brewers offered the Yankees a trade for Corbin Burnes. It would have been Burns for Oswaldo Cabrera (currently hitting .287 at Triple-A) and Ben Rortvedt (who has 13 homers at Triple-A). Brian Cashman states that the asking price was way too high.

Burnes goes to the Astros.

Old Timer's Day comes and goes. No one notices. They forgot to send invitations to the former players.

Aaron Boone appears on the Tonight Show. He suggests that Yankee Stadium might be rebranded as Wrigley Stadium.

In a shocking move, Gleyber Torres is moved to left field. The Yankees then move Anthony Volpe to second base. Andrelton Simmons comes out of retirement to take over at shortstop. A scout had seen Simmons in a softball game series and felt he had regained his stroke.

Speculation is that Boone might be fired any day since the Yankees are in last place on August 20, 37 games out of fourth place. They were mathematically eliminated on July 3. The Yankees surprise everyone by offering Boone a five-year extension. It turns out that a Las Vegas casino was going to hire Boone for a comedy act where he does umpire and other impersonations. New York Sports radio hosts agree that it would be a bad look for the Yankees to fire Boone only to see him making money somewhere else. "They know that the minute they fired him, he'd get another job. They couldn't have that," the radio personalities say.

The Yankees end the season with 39 wins. The stadium sells out anyway. "We now have a new New York record, the fewest wins in a season," Brian Cashman explains. "The Mets always fall short when they go up against us."

The Dodgers beat the Astros in the World Series.

Juan Soto signs with the Dodgers for $800 million. That contract is deferred until 2075 so the luxury tax cap hit for the Dodgers is $2.18 annually.

Gerrit Cole opts out of his contract. The Yankees respond immediately and give him an extra year, and then eight more, at $65 million a year, with 93% of the money upfront. With the bonus, Cole Takes home $360 million the first year. "The Dodgers defer, " Cashman says, "We just showed the league a different way. We flipped their approach on its head. Also no Yankees pitcher will ever make more than Cole."

Brian Cashman signs an extension to be the Yankees General Manager forever.