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  • Tim Kabel

Breaking News

About Last Night: Breaking News

By Tim Kabel

April 1, 2022

***

Since yesterday was an off day, I am reporting several news items that have broken within the past 24 hours.

  • The Yankees are sending Oswald Peraza and Jasson Dominguez to the Oakland A's to complete the Frankie Montas trade.

  • The YES Network has accumulated videotape footage of Aaron Boone trying to hit a home run in batting practice on his 50th birthday, which they will turn into a Yankeeography.

  • As part of his desire to play every possible position for the New York Yankees, Oswaldo Cabrera has been named the closer for this season.

  • Franchy Cordero has requested and been granted uniform # 3, which has been removed from retirement.

  • Josh Donaldson has been named Co-Captain of the team, based on his remarkable leadership and communication skills and his ability to diffuse any possible controversies or conflicts.

  • Aaron Boone enjoys being miked-up so much during the games that he will become an official member of the YES Network's broadcast team while still managing the team.

  • Aaron Hicks has been named the starting left fielder for the next three seasons and artists have begun work on a life-sized sculpture of him that will be placed in Monument Park. It will reportedly portray him with his hands on his hips, staring down at a ball on the ground.

  • Because the Yankees sold completely out of #11 jerseys on Opening Day, they began replacing them with #31 and #28 jerseys.

  • Oswaldo Cabrera has just been named to the starting rotation to fill the spot vacated by Luis Severino.

  • The veteran pitcher the Yankees were rumored to be acquiring has in fact been acquired. It is Bartolo Colon.

  • The Yankees have hired Steve Balboni to be the new base stealing coach to take advantage of the new rules in the game.

  • Tyler Danish has been recalled from the minors and will exclusively start all early morning games because as we all know, there is nothing better than a Danish in the morning.

  • After the Yankees victory on Opening Day, Aaron Boone has been named Manager of the Year for the next five years.

  • It was announced that Oswaldo Cabrera will begin working with base stealing coach Steve Balboni to increase his speed so that he can pitch and catch in the same game, effectively pitching to himself and sprinting to home plate before the ball gets there.

  • John Sterling has signed a 15-year extension to his broadcasting contract but wants to replace Suzyn Waldman with “someone hip, popping and fresh, like me.”

  • Aaron Hicks and Josh Donaldson have been named permanent lineup fixtures for the remainder of the season, and in the case of Hicks, for the next three years.

  • Happy April Fools' Day!!!

5 Comments


fuster
Apr 01, 2023

a small, tasteful statue of Seigfried While, his brother Roy and a non-Cub tiger

belongs

some

where

Like

yankeerudy
Apr 01, 2023

A better dupe would have been Peraza and Dominguez for Ohtani. Fuster would have enjoyed that.

Like
fuster
Apr 01, 2023
Replying to

nope. no Dominguez.


Peraza OK, even Volpe if necessary to secure rights to negotiate a long-term contract prior to the trade, because the Yanks have an extra middle infielder or two and the Angels NEED middle infielders,


but the Yanks need an outfielder with lefty power.


an outfield with Dominguez in left, Bader in center and Judge in right seems like a good un


Like

etbkarate
Apr 01, 2023

Great job. Although, would any of us have been surprised if dominguez and/or peraza was included in montas? I was shocked Spencer Jones was not, to be honest.

Like

Paul Semendinger
Paul Semendinger
Apr 01, 2023

Love the humor!

Great job.

Like
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