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The World According to Jim Crane:

Now that Astros owner Jim Crane so graciously and eloquently cleared it all up for us, and we now fully and completely understand that the sign stealing of the cheating Astros never “impacted” a game. I wanted to make sure that we followed old Jim’s thought processes and cleared up a few other matters.


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So, in no particular order of importance:

Dewey did defeat Truman,

Fredo was the real brains of the Corleone family,

Milli Vanilli should be elected to the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame,

Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly “didn’t impact” the 1994 Winter Olympics,

The Hanson Brothers never put tin foil in their Hockey gloves,

Barry Bonds only had a mid-life growth spurt,

The 1919 Chicago White Sox were just in a slump,

Grant really isn’t buried in Grant’s Tomb,

Jose Altuve uses that temporary tattoo guy in Central Park,

Gaylord Perry just had a nervous tic,

The kicking net started the fight with Odell Beckham,

Michael Scott should teach Business Management at Harvard,

Personal Seat Licenses at MetLife Stadium are great investments,

Rob Manfred is the greatest sports executive in the history of the world,

Tony Soprano was really just a Waste Management Consultant,

George Costanza was right, the uniforms should be made of cotton,

You actually can get to the moon by yelling “Bang Zoom!”,

Three Mile Island was just a water leak,

Rachel and Ross weren’t really on a break,

There really is a Nigerian Bank that has money for you,

Hugh Grant just needed someone in his car for the HOV lane,

Alex Bregman was advised on offering a mea culpa by Dwight Schrute,

George Washington never cut down the Cherry Tree,

Bernie Madoff was the greatest financial speculator on Wall Street,

Marie Antoinette never really liked cake,

Joe Niekro just liked to keep his finger nails clean when he pitched,

There really is a lot of money in Oak Island,

Lucy would never pull the ball away from Charlie Brown,

What happens in Vegas, actually does stay in Vegas,

Jim Morrison is alive and well in Paris and sharing an apartment with Jimmy Hoffa,

Manti Te’o’s ex-girlfriend now works for the Astros,

Major League baseball players get absolutely no advantage if they know what pitch is coming,


The Astros earned the 2017 World Series Championship the good old fashion way of just playing hard-nosed solid Baseball.



and, that really was just a small piece of wood that looked a lot like a weird shiny band aide that came flying off Robinson Chirinos during the 2019 World Series.

So, thanks Jim for your honesty this week at your lame Spring Training presser. You showed us all that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. You have built a culture of lying and cheating. Sorry to burst your bubble, but no one, or at least not many, are buying what you and your deceitful cohorts are selling.

#Cheating #HoustonAstros #Satire

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